Forgiveness- The Heart of the Matter

-Song by Don Henley, Topic from Voice Box Stories, September 2018.

I got the call as I was headed home from a Medical Staff Dinner. It was my wife, Sameena…”Did you just pull out $400! Are you going back to strip clubs again!”

This was the fourth time in five years that she had caught me, not just going to strip clubs, but also spending time - and money- with them outside of the clubs. Looking back, I wasn’t doing much to avoid being caught any more. Over the previous half-decade we had been going in completely separate directions. She was finding God and faith. As best I can say it, I was finding hedonism and self-absorption. Yet, I never felt that I could not be a good family man too. This time though, it was not to be. This was the final straw.

Sameena called her family in. They called my mom. My parents were now living in India where my father was in the last stages of his dementia- Lewy body disease. So my mom was beside herself from afar. My 15 year-old and 11 year-old daughter were now completely aware of the scumminess of their father. I moved to the basement, whilst my still-as-of-yet in-laws lived upstairs with Sameena and the girls. In my utter state of uber-guilt and in hopes of groveling into a reconciliation, I signed off my bank accounts and credit card to her and gave her my entire salary- I lived off of the gasoline gift cards she bought for me each week. I gave up the house, my friends and my life. I eventually moved into an apartment the following month for which she gave me the monthly rent and an allowance. I lived in the apartment with one ikea chair, a futon, a tv-tray- but no TV- just my phone as my entertainment center. I went back to the mosque to try to find religion and offer repentance- seeking but not expecting forgiveness. However, it seemed the more I offered repentance, the more things kept going wrong and falling apart. I couldn’t forgive myself and couldn’t get forgiveness from Sameena or my daughters. About four months later we obtained a religious divorce. I was resigned to hell and tried to find a faster way to get there. I lived only to offer groveling service to my Sameena and my daughters.

Two years later, after my older daughter graduated from high school and decided to go to the University of Michigan, they all moved to Michigan where Sameena is from and where her parents actually lived. One winter night that first year, may daughter was taking a train into town; I was to pick her up and drop her off at her friend’s place. Fortunately for me, Amtrak was running two hours late as usual. I spent that night in Andy’s Jazz Club just off of State Street. I have no idea who the band was nor what they were actually singing. All I knew was that the music touched deep into my soul and told me that I was not an outright loser. I was not unforgivable. I was a human being who could and did make mistakes, but that God knew me as a loving person and could forgive and even love me. I could even forgive myself.

That night changed the course of my life. I built upon that self-forgiveness. I turned my life around. I became healthy, sane and learned to communicate. I lost 75 pounds. I took courses to learn my rackets, my blind-spots and how to create new possibilities for myself and others around me. It took another two years of communicating deeply and honestly, but in February of this year [2018], I sat with Sameena for about twelve hours. I started with a prayer for new beginnings and a hope for forgiveness and fairness rather than retribution and rancor. She started by thanking me for the work I had put into caring for her and the girls since the separation. We completed a marriage settlement agreement which we both believed would be fair to each of us. We ended the evening by going together, with our daughters, for pizza and a movie- Three Billboards Outside Ebbing. Just over a month later, I went before the judge to finalize the agreement. I received a call from Sameena, as expected, to discuss how the court date went and discuss plans for our future. That evening I flew off on a trip to Sweden and Norway and the start of the next phase of our lives- learning to live without Sameena and the girls, but also learning how I will live a common loving future with them.