Taaha Speaks

Taaha spoke of his father. I heard it, and I thought, "Heck! I'm not that bad of a guy! I'm actually pretty good...in comparison".

Yet, my daughter did not want to meet or talk with me. I thought the problem must be her. If she only understood what other fathers- deadbeat dads- were like, then she would realize how good she had it. That I've been pretty good, and I'd been trying.

Taaha presented at a performance event on the theme of empathy. He described how his estranged father- after abandoning him and his mom when he was born- suddenly popped back into his life. This man who had never kept in touch or paid any child support wanted to meet Taaha. On a long walk where the father complained about life-but did not really seem to pay attention to Taaha's life- he seemed to feel entitled to a display of filial sentiment.

I, meanwhile, had been with my daughter until the youngest had been in sixth grade, until her mother and I separated after 21 years of marriage because I had "fallen in love" with an exotic dancer. After three years of separation and a lot of reflection and restoring integrity on my part, her mom and I sat together for twelve hours crafting a fair marital settlement agreement. Right afterwards the four of us went for a movie and pizza. During the entire time and since, I had regularly kept in communication and visited my daughters. Today my former wife and I communicate regularly and are together for life events as co-parents. To be honest, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for this new relationship I had built with my daughters and former wife.

And then at the end of this summer, my younger daughter suddenly freaked out about spending less than a week with me. She told me that "Eid gifts, money, cards, financial support ,etc, will never surmount the way our family was torn apart". I was like "Whoa! Where did this come from"? What did they teach her at MYNA [Muslim Youth of N.America] camp this year? So being the "big-hearted" understanding person that I am, I "released" her from the obligation to visit.

Two weeks later, the Empathy show. After my initial reaction to Taaha's performance of "I'm not THAT bad at least", I realized that I was ignoring the theme of the show.

I had multiply apologized in the last several years. This was, however, from a place of guilt and for my actions. I had never truly acknowledged nor apologised for what my daughter experienced.

I had never apologized for forcing her to be a middle school girl- with all the issues inherent in that- yet have to be a support to her hurting mother. I had not apologized for the experience of having to switch schools multiple times as she and her mother struggled to psychologically rebalance their lives. I had not apologized for the anxiety of not having a home and nuclear family to invite her high school friends over to; friends who all lived in nice homes with solid families. I had not apologized for the loss of support and role model that a father should be to a daughter at a critical age. A privilege that I myself had, that she did not. I would have absolutely hated and probably wouldn't have survived to the extent that she has, if I had suffered through such an experience as she had gone through.

In the end, Taaha was willing and able to step away from a further relationship with his father. I don't want to let that happen so easily. I want to create the possibility that she and I will have some type of relationship that can be built upon a new future. I want to create myself in her life, through love and accountability. I want to be the father that I can and should be.